Searching

In December of 2013 I was hit by a sudden depression.

Depression seems like an odd word for it now, because it was a very heightened experience. My skin was full of pins and needles all the time. My lungs were constricted. 

I was obsessed with the idea of my own death, not as something to be wished for, but as the inevitable truth it is for all of us. I was terrified all the time. I was also terrified that I would live a long life without experiencing any of it fully and deeply. 

Thankfully, I was raised in a household where mental health was an open topic to be discussed. I told people I was struggling, and they helped me. 

Depression and anxiety are still things I struggle with. I should emphasize that what I went through was nothing compared to the monster of depression that some people deal with. You fight so hard every day, and you're still here. I am in awe of you.

I spoke to my pastor, not being one to do so generally, and it was the best decision I made at the time. He listened, in that complete and active way we so rarely experience with other people, to my description of what I was going through. Then he let me know that I was not alone, not just in depression but in this specific crisis at this specific time in my life. 

I've already gone on too long, so I won't go into everything he said. Here's the takeaway. When you really and finally reach adulthood, the question of meaning and purpose come to a head. You can deal with this crisis constructively or destructively, but you can't avoid it. Don't be discouraged if your purpose hasn't found you, just go out and find it. 

Once I realized this was common, I reached out to my friends. And it turned out they had gone through similar and yet unique struggles at about the same time. They also gave me invaluable advice I want to share.

There are things you can control and things you can't control. Most of the anxiety in your life is caused by worrying about the things you can't control. The passage of time, the weather, politics, the stock market, other people's minds. They cause us so much stress, and you could (and maybe should) spend your whole life trying to change them. But while you're anxious about what you can't control, all the things that you can control can pile up and cause you just as much trouble.

Those are the two things I want to write about moving forward. What I've done to find meaning in my life, and how I've set out to take control of the little things.